Friday, March 4, 2011

Wikipedia Search: Shoulder

It's hard to feel pretty at art gallery parties.

The sleekest and sexiest (in the weirdest way, of course) show up and even if champagne is not present everyone acts like there is. You might break dress code without meaning to; creative dress really means how creatively can you wear black? 

I felt so fat surrounded by all these glorious bird like creatures last night that I wanted to cry. Lipstick can only go so far, and does not make my chin feel any less awkwardly misshapen on my face. Wrap dresses do not give me Michelle Obama's arms. High heels do not make my stomach less round. Coming to terms with things about me changing, regardless of whether I gain or lose weight, is impossibly hard. Hours on the exercise bike will not change the way my face is developing. I was in loathing with the body I once had. Now I want every aspect of the old me back. Getting older feels so awkward at twenty. My feet are growing. My neck is elongating. Will I maybe reach 5' some day?

I am not going to tell you that you just have to accept yourself as perfect just the way you are, although you probably should. This also is not the place where you are going to find print outs with nice font that you fill out and write all the things you like about your body. I do not have answers, I do not have confidence stored in a delightful box that I can throw off in your direction, I do not have a head that I can hold high and pretend it is all okay right now.

I know a lot of you have felt the same way sometime lately, and I know it feels like you have been ignored.

I wish you all the strength in the world if you are battling an eating disorder; I truly understand how spirit sucking it can be to try to even contemplating correcting something that weighs so hard on your soul. But today I write to the silent majority of women who hate what they see when they look in the mirror and never do anything about it.

You have to do something.

No, keep eating and do not think that a growl in your stomach is any kind of self improvement. No, keep going to gallery parties even if you feel alienated by beautiful creatures that you do not even feel part of the same species. The art is on the walls, not striding around from piece to piece.

No matter who you are, there is something inside you that warms your heart and makes you feel indomitable. Hold on to it with every thing you have inside you. Use it to focus on what is happening around you, not who. Look at the beauty in life instead of the beauty of other people. Never let go of it. Never let go.

Tonight I am going to ride my exercise bike for a few hours while watching a movie. In the long run, this will solve nothing but to assure me that I am doing everything I can from feeling awful. Even so, I will not feel assured.

There is no solution but you are not alone.
I am here for you. I feel your pain. I know we both know what each other is going through.
You are not alone. 


Claire said...

I know, sister. I know. I am taller than the average woman and while this would be a plus in a bigger city, on my island it's not. All the women are s F*ing petite that when I stand in a group of them is is obvious that I am the apple to their oranges. Of course, women being women they sense my differentness and alienate me without even cognitively processing it.

My answer was something that I learned from a friend who had a lot of anxiety problems. She taught me that I don't have to stay if I feel bad. I don't have to be polite and make the rounds and make excuses to say goodbye. If I really want to I can just break for the nearest exit.

Now, if you feel gradual empowerment by being in a place like an art gallery, then power to you. I support you in your journey towards self acceptance. As a general rule, I'm not in a place where I can stay in a group that makes me feel terrible. Maybe it's not a part of my evolution, who knows?

Know that you're not alone either :)
Big Hug,

la petite coquine said...

This is an amazing, honest post, and I'm so grateful to the internet gods for bringing me to you.

I suffered from anorexia through middle and high school, and have struggled with my weight since then. A traumatic family event 2 Christmas ago saw me instantly shed 15 pounds, which trust me, was a BAD look. I know I didn't look healthy, but I can't help but miss that super skinny physique. It's something I work on (or ignore as much as I can) every day, and it's a relief knowing that someone else out there is going through it, too.

And don't spend too much time on your bike tonight, ok? You're amazing, just the way you are.

MAUD said...

oh girl. i know what you mean.

there are some days when i think that i am pretty darn cute (not sexy, not hot, not gorgeous - i don't aspire to these things, i know they are beyond me), but then often i feel like an ugly, tiny little toad. it is easy enough to feel pretty all alone, but when you are surrounded by beautiful people (i work for a fashion show, remember? last night i was literally surrounded by fifteen girls who were all skinnier than a size 4) it is so difficult not to feel short and squat.

i know, rather objectively, that there is nothing seriously wrong with my body, that it is entirely functional, that it takes me the places i want to go and mostly does the things i want it to do. nevertheless, it is hard not to want a more defined jaw, a firmer stomach, thighs that don't smack into each other quite so much, hair that is less frizzy... and i feel silly worrying about these things, sometimes, and then i feel guilty, and then i worry, and then it starts all over again.

thanks for writing this. you were not saccharine or patronising in your discourse, which is rare and appreciated.

if it makes you feel any better:
a) the very fact that you were at this gallery party means that you are in some way cool/beautiful because dull normals don't even get to go to these things in the first place.
b) you have the most beautiful hair in the world. i have always, always wanted hair exactly your colour and it is so thick and shiny and wonderful.
b) i remember once telling you i had a platonic-ish crush on your boobs. this is still true.
c) you have amazing legs.

and i hope that you don't think that i am just saying this because you feel sad. i am not merely trying to console you; i truly think these things and i am actually very happy to have a chance to tell this to you in what i hope is only a minimally creepy fashion.

also you're really smart and witty. that's nice too.

Nicole✗✗ said...

What a beautiful post, seriously!! This is something I think almost every girl goes through even the ones we think have it all. I used to work with some girls who had that "perfect" body and it was sad to learn how they achieved that "perfect" body. I hate what society has made us girls feel like. I too ride my exercise bike every night while I watch movies and hope for the best. I just want you to know that I appreciate your honesty it's truly beautiful just like you.

Not to break subject but before you watch "Burlesque" I just wanted to warn you it's less like "Chicago" and more like "Coyote Ugly." Entertaining but definitely a B movie. : )


Mica said...

I really needed this today. Thank you.

Hang in there, girl!
You're gorgeous!

Green Tea at Midnight (Jessica) said...

I think what you said about eating, going to parties and finding the beauty in life IS part of accepting yourself for who you are because it makes you focus on other things besides the way you look. Trust me, I understand how hard that can be - I'm not trying to make it sound like an easy task. Confidence is not something you can just switch on, but it is something the can be worked on one party, one meal, on mirror at a time.

I guess it's just important to realize that we (the people who don't feel beautiful or perfect all the time) have just as much of a right to be on this earth and to be happy as the models and the art gallery crowd.

├×omeline said...

You are a wonderful writer, so candid. I really hope you come to see how beautiful you are ♥ It can be so daunting, battling with body image related insecurities. I'm sending an internet hug out to you, I hope you feel it! xo

Anonymous said...

When I was 11, I promised myself I would stop growing before I hit five feet. Here I am at 19, five feet eight, huuuuge feet, and always needing larger clothing sizes than 'normal' petite girls. I feel so masculine and I can only say that I wish I were as feminine, petite, girly, beautiful, opinionated, and fashionable as you!

kitoir├ę said...

Everyone has body image problems, we just have to overcome them. Good luck with yours, I hate having insecurities about myself and it's so personal that I don't like talking to others abotu them... :(

Maybe to make yourself feel better you should take a look at my MAC and H&M giveaway here :)